Did you know that there are ten tactics used in domestic violence that allows the batterer to gain power and control over their mate? Most people know about Physical and Sexual abuse, but few are aware of the other eight tactics that are very prevalent in unhealthy relationships. Here is a brief description of additional tactics used in abusive relationships.

Intimidation happens when the abuser uses gestures, dirty looks, throws temper tantrums, breaks things in the home, abuses pets or brandishes a weapon. This is when your mate takes a weapon and waves it around or keeps it close to them to instill fear that the abuser will use it.

Economic Abuse is when your mate withholds access to money, credit, and debit cards. You must ask your mate to spend the money that you earn. In the instance of male/female relationships, the male keeps the female from working. If she gets a job he uses excuses or emergencies to keep her from going to work or gets her fired. He may also keep her from knowing about family earnings or property.

Emotional Abuse is where your mate uses put-downs, name-calling, embarrassment, or tries to make their partner feel guilty. The partner may even try to play mind games and lead their mate to believe that s/he is crazy or that something is wrong with them instead of the abuser.

Using Others is the tactic of using family members, friends, ex-lovers, and maybe even pets to regain control, sympathy, and favor with their partner, family & friends. The abuser may attempt to make their partner feel guilty about breaking up with them. The abuser may also use the threat of taking the children from their partner to again regain control and power.

Coercion and Threats are used in negative and seemingly positive ways. Coercion and threats are negative when the abuser makes threats of hurting their mate and does. They may also make threats to leave their partner or even commit suicide all in an effort to keep control over their mate. Coercion can also be seen as a way to win back affections because it gives the appearance of being sorrowful for their behavior. An example would be, the abuser hits his partner resulting in a black eye. The abuser then uses gifts, dinner dates, or cleans the house to show s/he is sorry for his behavior. The abuser may even use coercion to convince his mate to commit illegal activities on his behalf.

Isolation is a very subtle tactic that does not always show itself as a manner of obtaining power and control. Here the abuser monitors where his mate is going, who she talks to, restricts her from being around her family or friends. He may even keep her from going to school or work. To justify his concerns he may use the idea that her family or friends don’t like him and are jealous of their relationship.

Obfuscation also known as blaming others is a tactic that almost every person uses to deflect blame for something they have done. For instance, Johnny decides to go joyriding with his friends. His friend is speeding and gets stopped by the police. The police ask for everyone’s identification. Johnny has some outstanding tickets and the police arrest him. Johnny blames his friends for speeding and getting him locked up instead of being accountable for his behavior. In the case of intimate relationships, it is a method to blame the victim for the abuser’s behavior. An example would be Bob slaps and chokes Carrie. As Carrie nurses her bruises, Bob tells Carrie that he would not have hit her if she would only shut up when he told her to stop talking. So again, it is Carrie’s fault that Bob made a decision to hit her.

Male Privilege is a tactic that men use to gain respect, power and control, and favor. In many cultures, it is accepted for men to treat women as servants, second-class citizens, or less than. Batters use male privilege to hit, sexually assault, and abuse women. Male privilege is also used to dictate the roles of men and women in the relationship.

There is an old saying that knowing is half the battle. If, after reading this information, you recognize one or more of these tactics in your relationship you may want to seek a mental health therapist.

For most, stepping away from a relationship is difficult even when you know you should leave. But always know that there is help for you when you are ready to seek it. Reach out to a mental health agency to find a therapist near you or you can call the national hotline for domestic violence at 1-800-799-7233.

If you live in the Detroit-Metro Area and are looking for a therapist I would be happy to help you walk down the road of healing. Take care of You!!